10 Things Your Veterinarian Hates About You

10 Things Your Veterinarian Hates About You
This summer, get ready for the movie that will make you a better client!

Don't get me wrong, we appreciate you. We couldn't do it without you. Really! You're an essential part of the industry! We are so, so, so, so, so, so thankful that you (mostly) pay the bills and allow us to make a living as veterinarians. Have I buttered you up enough? Good, because now I'd like you to drop your guard and let me complain about your moronic behavior.

Most honest veterinary opinion would pin human interaction as the least appealing part of the job. We're stereotypically awkward animal nerds who ruin dinner conversations by blurting out obscure and disgusting science facts. We'd rather not be around "normal" people. Unfortunately, the majority of our job involves communicating with annoying apes.

But as soon as you're out of earshot, we pile it on. One of the secrets of any service industry is that the dupes– I mean clients– get ridiculed in secret after they cross the line. And that line gets crossed a lot in the veterinary clinic, be it through ignorance or just plain entitlement.

You're a big enough person to handle it, right? You wouldn't let a bunch of geeks desperate for a laugh get under your skin, would you?

Good! Then let me show you what I mean. Because you are the butt of the following ten jokes! I've been magnanimous enough to write an accompanying blurb, which will help you understand why your actions are actually transgressions. I hope this well help you avoid being such a nincompoop in the future.

You're welcome.

Be Helpful by Helping Less

Don't jump in with "your thoughts". We'll do the diagnosing. Just go along with us, please.

"Thank you for the non diagnostic photo of dog vomit."

Recognize Your Shortcomings

You love your pet but not enough to spend more than ten minutes of work on it a day. No judgement here.

"But the groomer always brushes his teeth!"

Don't Make us Waste Your Time

Can we cut the crap? Just blink twice if you're already ignoring what I'm saying.

"First, read this list of risk factors associated with obesity. Then sign this form acknowledging you'll do nothing about it."

You're Not Really the Expert

Want me to blow your mind? Neither is the breeder! Neither is the cashier at the pet store! I promise you, we invest more in animal health knowledge than you do.

"GMOs??! You should never feed anything genetically altered to a bulldog!"

Be Polite (Duh)

You know who does all the actual work in the vet clinic? The technicians. Don't ***k with them.

"I didn't know you were just a tech, I would have been a lot ruder."

Your Expectations are Stupid

And that's fine because why would you know there's a 95% chance of failure and we're prolonging your animal's suffering and costing you hundreds of dollars you don't have. Oh wait, we tried to tell you that five minutes ago.

"Go ask how many medical dramas they watch."

It's Not All About You

What do you think we do, triage the pets based on their owner's mental fragility?!

"Will she ever be an emotional support animal again?!"

You're Not Literally Risking Your Face

Muzzles are soft. They don't hurt. The only thing a muzzle hurts is your ego. Teeth and claws hurt. If you had given the sedative we prescribed before this visit everyone would be a lot happier right now.

"Relax! He never pulls the trigger!"

We're Dignified Professionals

Sure, we know how to squeeze anal glands, but don't treat us like "the help". Don't treat anyone like "the help".

"Just let me give this keynote address, then I can trim Trixie's nails."

But We Get It

Hey, we make mistakes too.

"That's not hand sanitizer."

Did That Hurt?

I hope not. You're such wonderful people, and I know you're tough enough to see it from our point of view. You know we don't actually hate you, right? We really love you, we just get so tired of certain kinds of behavior. Please forgive us, and thanks for letting us laugh at your expense. I think we really need it.

Greg Bishop

Greg Bishop

A veterinarian with unquenchable creative impulses. Unquenchable? Hmmm... creative "tendencies"? Well, it depends on how well I slept last night. Also a writer, illustrator and whatever-elser.