It's Not Your Fault

Really, it's not.

I'm sure you've felt bad, at some point in your life. Maybe your whole life you've felt bad. That would be quite sad, and recognizing it would probably make you feel worse. Which if it does, my bad for bringing it up.

I'm sure you've felt stupid. I feel stupid quite often. I've felt stupid after getting a 98% on an exam, because I got one wrong. I feel stupid if I'm the room with someone smarter than me. If I think there's a person nearby who might be smarter than me and can see me, I start to feel stupid. Realizing how stupid this is makes me feel stupid.

You must have felt lazy at some point. You know, when you're at work, pretending to go the bathroom for the fourth time in 15 minutes so that you can avoid work and scroll on Instagram or hide in a dark room to take a nap because you're just too tired? I get it. I'm writing this post one hour before my deadline. And I'm not going to revise it all. Which is lazy.

I'm sure you've felt jealous, and petty, and arrogant, rude, vindictive, gluttonous, selfish, weak, incompetent, unlikable, unappreciative, careless, and shameful. Even if you didn't realize it. Any time you've ever felt bad, I bet that felt bad. I bet it felt like it was somehow your fault.

But it wasn't. You didn't do anything wrong. You never have. You're allowed to tell yourself any story that you want, but start with compassion for yourself. Start with the realization that ever since your first memory, you've been seeking love and understanding. From your family, from your friends, from animals, from... whatever.

Anything you've down, in your whole life, has been driven by that purpose. If you didn't get sat down and told this repeatedly when you were a kid, how could you possibly know it? You should have been made aware of how easy it is to go off course and blame yourself for your failures, as though a child can know better. Every person or thing you've ever hurt, you've done because of a misunderstanding of what it is you hold valuable.

You should have gotten this love and acceptance. This should be your earliest memory. If it's not, that might be the reason you've been so confused and felt so bad for so long. But if someone (your parents, your friends, your cockapoo) didn't give it to you, it's not their fault either. The compassion that you need for yourself a child has to extend to everyone else.

We're all doing our best, even though we mostly screw it up. I'm begging you to stop blaming yourself, or anyone else, for that matter. Believe in yourself. Believe in all of us.

Howard Jones said it best.

No one. No one. No one ever... is to blame.