The Great Burrito Pilgrimmage

Unfortunately, I promised myself this website would be pointless.

I feel that if I’m going to uphold that value, I need to remain focused on small, irrelevant things. Which–from a certain standpoint–are the most important things. Perhaps it's a childlike irreverence for all the pointless hullabaloo we’re surrounded with, but I feel a certain meta-absurd pointlessness in documenting very specific things.

And because I’m in a uniquely awkward position to have to post these articles publicly to a following of nearly 4,000 subscribers, it makes even more (read “less”) sense to focus on the most inconsequential thing imaginable.

Which for several weeks were the burritos of Southern California. I was down for the AVMA conference presenting a ridiculous cartoon CE workshop¹ for veterinarians, then spent time with family. It was wonderful. Yes, the beaches and the people were beautiful. But I was truly there for the burritos.

I grew up there, but every time I’m back, I have an automated pattern of burrito consumption. It’s like those complicated courtship dances that wandering albatross display: ritualized, long-anticipated, intimate.

I wanted to document that here. This has been an unconscious behavior pattern until now. And I want to know why. At the same time, I’d love to help future explorers of the San Diego burritosphere.

All right. Starting off: the first burrito is:

Rudy’s California burrito

Now, this is a pretty big opener, and I will just say that, if you’re going for the all-time greats, you probably do want to start here.

And, by the way, I don’t like cheese. I know that’s weird for people. I also eat meat. I know that’s weird for some people. So, trigger warning, spoiler alert: just feel free to check out right now.

But Rudy’s California burrito is an exceptional piece of human achievement.

The origins of the California burrito are unclear. I can confidently speculate that it started somewhere in California. Furthermore, based on the number of times I’ve seen barefooted, saltwater-soaked surfers come in and order a California burrito, I would say that its creation involved some combination of marijuana and prolonged sun exposure.

For those of you who don’t know, a California burrito is an enormous wrapping—think about a tortilla the size of a manhole, stuffed with glorious ingredients. Inside is a magical concoction that will briefly take you to the pastures of heaven.

First of all, Rudy’s carne asada is essential. Carne asada is steak that is seasoned, marinated, and then grilled, and you need a lot of flavor because a lot of carne asada is basically Salisbury steak, which is like a rubbery piece of dog ear cartilage. I don’t know why they would even put that in something.

But Rudy’s carne asada is absolutely rich, delicious, savory meat butter. It is combined with an even richer sour cream and some pico de gallo, which is that delicious, fresh mixture of diced tomatoes and onions.

The flavor is phenomenal to begin with. There is basically zero fiber in the entire thing, but you’re starting to get the impression that it might just be a soggy pile—and you’d be right.

You’re saying to yourself, “I need structure in this burrito. Otherwise, it’ll be too floppy.”

Listen: if you get a floppy burrito, it is one of the most disappointing things you could possibly experience. You have to have structure.

That structure, in a California burrito, comes from French fries.

Yes, French fries.

French fries are not traditionally considered a staple of Mexican food. However, there has been a French-fry diaspora. I have basically had French fries on at least four continents. So, at this point, we’re just calling everything fusion, and that’s what it is.

Basically, this is an amazing burrito. It has French fries, sour cream, carne asada, and all the flavor of your localized burrito shop. When it’s wrapped in a three-foot-diameter tortilla, lightly grilled, and then topped with a picante salsa over every bite, it’s hard to describe how anything could feel better than that in a public setting.

So, yeah, I start off with Rudy’s California burrito. It’s about 40,000 calories, and it’s bliss. It’s absolute bliss.

Jorge’s Bean & Rice Burrito

The second burrito usually comes within a day or two of the California opener. You pretty quickly need to transition into more of a long-term maintenance burrito, but you don’t want to compromise on quality or flavor. So, you have to go with Jorge’s bean-and-rice burrito.

Let me explain why.

It’s not flashy at all, and yet you might be able to eat one of these things every single day for the rest of your life and have it taste just as good as the first one, every single day of the rest of your life.

The base is a rich composte of refried pinto beans. They are slowly cooked and mixed with—also, by the way, this is the one burrito that you should get into if you’re vegan, because the beans are not made with lard–I don’t know the exact process, but I trust Jorge with my own life. He has been kind enough to patiently take my orders for over a decade, and he says there’s no lard in his beans.

The beans provide adhesion for the burrito, and they’re rich, creamy, and delicious. Yes, they do eventually make you fart, but they’re also packed with protein and fiber.

The beans themselves, however, would be too viscous. You would get the dreaded soggy burrito again.

The key to Jorge’s bean-and-rice burrito is the rice.

It’s Spanish rice. It’s cooked with tomato sauce and a bunch of vegetables, and it is light and fluffy. That lowers the density of the burrito. You get this nice mixture that structurally does something like a chemical reaction at a macro level, creating this light and fluffy, yet deeply rich and satisfying, burrito.

Again, it is wrapped in an enormous tortilla and lightly grilled. With every single bite, you’re going to add some of the salsa roja before you gobble.

It’s an absolutely pleasurable, delicious experience. Without checking the numbers at all, it just feels as though it has to be a somehow slightly healthier option than the other burritos.

So, it’s basically a recovery burrito.

Rudy’s Carne Asade Burrito

All right. After you’ve congratulated yourself for eating healthy, you’re going to go right back to Rudy’s for the carne asada burrito.

That is just like the California burrito, except it’s only carne asada and guacamole.

That’s right: just carne asada and guacamole.

Two things that are incredibly full of fat—and probably saturated fat. You know, you have to be careful with these. You can’t do them too often.

But, boy, oh boy, when you get that mixture of rich, chunky, creamy, smooth (paradoxes abound in this land) guacamole, with the diced tomatoes mixed in and all the flavor that Rudy’s somehow packs into it, you are going to be very, very, very happy—and unable to move for several hours afterward.

Plan accordingly.

Roberto’s #15 Hash Brown Burrito

After that, you’re going to have gotten your main-fix burritos, and you’re going to be thinking to yourself, “Man, I feel like I’m missing something.”

What you’re missing is that you have only been eating burritos in the afternoon and evening.

If there is one thing that you have to experience in your life, it is a San Diego breakfast burrito.

The ideal conditions for this are as follows: you’re in your twenties, you’re pretty hungover, and it’s a beautiful, sunny day that you want to spend at the beach. But you feel absolutely miserable and are finding it hard to motivate yourself to get up, get outside, and get into the Pacific Ocean.

Here is what I recommend in these scenarios: go to Roberto’s Taqueria on Coast Highway 101 and get the # 15 hash-brown breakfast burrito.

It is this incredible mélange of scrambled eggs and rich breakfast sausage. There’s even, I think, bacon and ham in there. Honestly, sometimes I get it without the ham, but I’d probably leave the bacon in.

The kicker is that it comes with tater tots. They are crispy AF.

Those tater tots are crispy on the outside and soft and fluffy on the inside. Yes, this is the second burrito to feature potatoes as a main ingredient. But I’ll tell you: the crunch of those potatoes, combined with the steaminess and fluffiness of the eggs and the rich, savory sausage that you’re biting into, is incredible.

Again, it’s wrapped and lightly grilled. Drown it—or cool it off—with that salsa roja. You’re going to be in heaven very quickly.

You’re going to feel amazing. Then, if you can combine that with a quick jump into the cool Pacific, you will have found the 100-percent-guaranteed, Sasquatch Paw–approved hangover cure, should you need it.

Rubio’s Fish Burrito

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention one of the absolute legends of San Diego burrito society: Rubio’s beer-battered, Baja-style fish burrito.

That’s right, people.

There are famous Baja-style fish tacos in San Diego. They are delicious, and they are wonderful, and you probably should never order them from a nice restaurant because they always suck when you get them from one of those.You can find the fish taco elsewhere, but, to be honest with you, I would basically just drive to Mexico if I were going to get fish tacos.

I find that even San Diego fish tacos are generally served on a soggy corn tortilla. The creamy white sauce is completely bland, and the fish is not necessarily crispy on the outside and soft and fluffy on the inside.

The one place that does it very reliably is a chain of restaurants in San Diego called Rubio’s.

Now, there are other local chains here. Rudy’s is a chain. Jorge’s is a chain. However, those are small and locally owned, and they don’t have a lot of corporate branding, which I find mildly nauseating.

Rubio’s is a little different. They do have the corporate branding. They do have the squeaky-clean appearance. They do have all of that.

However, they just serve a damn good burrito.

The magical ingredient in the fish burrito is the crispy, Baja-style beer batter. I believe the fish is cod, and it is just the absolute best piece of fried fish that you’re ever going to have in your life.

Then they wrap it with a crema sauce that you could drink for breakfast on its own. They throw in their extremely rich, savory pinto beans and some very well-proportioned, finely chopped cabbage slaw. It is absolutely jam-packed with flavor.

Again, this is the closer burrito. You’re not going to immediately think of it, and it’s also going to be about 60,000 calories. But you have to get it in, because you realize that you just won’t have another opportunity to eat a fish burrito like this anywhere in the near future.

So, I usually save it for right before departure—sometimes literally within a few minutes of arriving at the airport.

So, what did we learn? Nothing? Hopefully nothing, that would be great! This beautiful circle of food that can be wrapped in a giant tortilla, lightly grilled, and then consumed one bite at a time, with an individual dollop of salsa added to each bite is now complete!

I don’t know what the neurophysiology is of eating burritos this way, but I’m pretty sure that anyone who tries it will see the face of God. Because I have not seen this exact process documented elsewhere, and because I do believe it brings me closer to the divine, I am leaving it for you..

Do with it what you will.

1. I made the highlight reel!